“Weren’t you scared to go to Africa?”
“Of course, I was.”
…is how every conversation will start with a fellow anxiety sufferer asking about my time in Uganda, Africa (2017).
As a matter of fact I thought about blogging on Facebook the lead-up to going and then through the trip but was unsure that my body would even allow me to go, so I didn’t. I would have set everyone up for a success-story only to have it turn into a defeat-story. Both are valuable but I wanted to make sure I knew which one I was writing before it started so that I could help the reader see where I was going. It ended up being a success story, but I’m realistic enough to know that it could have gone the other way.
“But if you were scared, why did you go?”
Because I refuse to let fear dictate my life. I’m very serious and honest about the messages I have promoted in my first book, “How to Live in Fear: Mastering the Art of Freaking Out” and the teachings I’ve done from the stage.
The more we cave in to fear, the more territory it seems to gain. It’s not a matter of trying to chalk up total victory but logging partial victory. I may have had some set backs on this trip and used prayer and medication to get me through, but I know now that if the Lord calls me to Africa again, I can make it. My world got bigger, not smaller.
Allow me to tell you 3 elements of this trip as it relates to anxiety:
A.) Dragonflies – The Presence of God on my trip
Some of you may follow my wife on Facebook and read about the power of dragonflies in her life and the life of our family. For those of you who haven’t, let me share it. A number of years ago Suzi was on fire for the Lord in a very special way. For about a year and a half she was up early every morning, connecting with the Lord and receiving daily downloads from heaven. She was passionate and joyful. Then after a series of difficult circumstances and heartbreak things went silent between her and the Lord. She cried out for His voice for months and nothing happened. Then one day she was outside and talking to the Holy Spirit and a dragonfly flew up. At that moment she knew that the Holy Spirit was confirming His presence despite His silence. From then on she saw dragonflies as a sign of the Holy Spirit. Eventually our whole house did.
As the time grew closer for me to go to Africa, I was on and off concerned. Mostly the prayers of the saints and the grace of God brought me tremendous, supernatural peace leading up to it, but one particular day about 3 days before departure, I had one of those concerning moments, wondering how it was going to go and how my body would do. Suzi and I had been exercising in our backyard. She was standing up and I was laying on my back and we were talking during a break. As I voiced my concerns something caught my eye in the sky just to the right of her. Suddenly it became clear, there was a SWARM of dragonflies (I guessed 30-35, Suzi guessed around 70) hovering over our house and us. I’ve NEVER seen dragonflies swarm. It’s usually one or two at a time. We stopped talking and just stared in disbelief. They hovered about fifteen feet in the air for about three minutes and then passed on and disbursed. We were in awe. Needless to say we took that as a sign of the Holy Spirit’s presence over the trip.
In honor of that, each of the four of us in our family drew Sharpie tattoos of dragonflies on each other to represent God’s presence during the trip. Mine was on my shoulder. We were supposed to reapply them when they washed off. As my plane took off, I knew that God was with me.
On the last day in Uganda, we had an R&R day (rest and relaxation). We went white water rafting on the Nile River (how crazy is that?). It was an absolute blast and I could tell you a million stories, but sticking with our theme I will simply say that all over the Nile were dragonflies. There were different markings on them and some of them were fire-red. Each one that hovered reminded me of God’s covering over my daughter and I on that trip. It was so meaningful that Jill and I shared these stories with our raft group and we all nicknamed our boat team, the Dragonflies.
B.) The Flesh is Weak – A realistic description of my time
I believe that when telling stories that role model, “honesty with hope” is the best policy, so I would like to tell you as honestly as possible about what it was like to prepare and go on a trip to Africa with panic-disorder (although the Lord seems to be healing me more and more each year). As I mentioned above, the prayers of my intercessory team, my family and the sheer grace of God gave me supernatural peace leading up to the trip and through it. I could FEEL the power of the prayers and protection. But that didn’t stop everything. I still was given enough challenge to demand faith and courage.
The first test was signing up and waiting for the launch of the trip. Anticipation can get us all. Waiting and wondering are extremely difficult. I had to receive the peace of God and take every thought captive and submit it to Christ. Each time an anxious thought would enter I would change the channel of my mind by thinking of something else, or immediately go into praise and prayer. Keeping locked in was crucial. I fasted things and kept my spirit as aligned as I could during the month before.
The second test was the flights. Most of you know my fear of flying stories so I won’t belabor that, but it’s clear that flying and I don’t get along. Not only am I 6’3” tall and don’t fit in the seats very well, and I have a giraffe-like neck that doesn’t allow me to sleep on flights either (neck pillows simply don’t work for me – I’ve bought one every time), but airplanes are prime real estate to freak out. Thankfully, to get to Uganda, we took Emirates Airlines, which was fantastic. The crew was friendly, the plane was immaculate, the pilots were top-notch. For anyone else they were dream flights. Unfortunately however, the first of the two flights to get there is over 15 hours straight (S.F. to Dubai), which was like Chinese Water Torture for me (drip…drip…drip, until you go insane). It made the second flight the next day of 5 hours (Dubai to Uganda), easy in comparison. I had initial jitters and plenty of panic moments (one lasted about 2 of the hours, the others were smaller), but all in all, I did really well considering. Again the prayers of the saints got me through.
The third test was being there and my body not reacting in panic nor getting sick from the environment. Again, overall it was fantastic. I never got sick from any food or water, thank the Lord. Unfortunately just being in travel mode doesn’t allow me to truly relax at any point. My stomach is tight and that’s exhausting. I was unable to be totally present in many moments with the team and had to withdraw earlier in the evening to my room, than I wanted, just to keep in good health and sanity.
The biggest concern came on about day 8. I got very weak, nauseated, achy, tired and anxious. I thought I was getting sick until I realized that every night I was taking one pill of Ativan (temporary anti-anxiety med) to sleep and keep centered (beyond my daily meds that I’ve taken for over 20 years). By day 7 I was feeling peaceful enough to not take it, so I didn’t. The next day was terrible. I eventually realized that my body was detoxing from the Ativan. I didn’t even realize that was a thing. Eventually I learned that I needed to take a half tablet and wean off of it slowly, so I did (then to a quarter tablet when I got home). These meds are powerful and we need to be very careful how we use them. Once that cleared I was back to my ‘normal’ of travel and so thankful. Again, God got me through and everything worked out.
The final test was the flights home, which went almost better than the flights there (yay, progress!). Praise the Lord. I cannot express how much I appreciated the prayers of my loved ones. I can’t tell you how good the Lord was to me and my daughter on this trip. It could have been far more difficult and I would be forced to push through, but honestly, it went incredibly smooth. I am indebted once again to the goodness of the Lord.
The Unanticipated Test – when I got home my body was still messed up from the Ativan and the trip. Even a week out I was having hypertension and a host of other anxiety, detox-related symptoms. I thought that coming home I was going to be able to get back to life as normal, but the entire following week, it was not the jetlag that got me (although that’s pretty severe), it was the ramifications on my anxiety. Nothing seems to work out like the movies, clean cut and put away nicely after an hour. I was constantly worried that something else was wrong or that it was going to get worse. Even as I write this a week away from the trip, I am having complications. But thankfully God has seen me through and things get slowly better each day.
C.) Elephants – The Power of Overcoming.
Most of you know that there is an elephant on the front cover of my first book. He’s a scared elephant standing on a chair looking down at a tiny mouse. The point is highlighting the irrationality of panic disorder (elephants should never be afraid of mice). I like elephants. They are gentle but strong. They are non-flashy and relatively peaceful. They are hard-working and protective. That’s why when our trip was finishing up and we got an opportunity to shop on the way to the airport, I wandered into the art section of one-of-a-kind paintings. I perused wall after wall of original pieces. There were cityscapes, people in action, lions and abstracts, but one particular painting caught my eye. It was an elephant. A strong elephant. I chose it because you could see it’s eyes. They were eyes of calm strength. I wanted that painting to represent what Africa proved to me about me. Jesus, once again, took that scared elephant on the chair, brought him down to solid ground, demonstrated His power and protection, restored the peace in his eyes and set him back to work for the Kingdom.
Was I scared to go to Africa?
Of course I was.
But there is no courage without fear. I may not always be a bold man (fearless), but I am determined to be a courageous man (feel the fear and do it anyway).
And what I found in Africa was that Jesus was waiting for me there. He had a gift for me that He held in Africa until I arrived. With His grace I am hoping to carry it home and put it in my arsenal of courage.
May God be glorified.
What may God be calling you to do outside your comfort zone? What freedom does He want to carve in your reality? What gift is lying in wait on the other side of that door?
You’ll only know if you try.
